TO COLLEGE AND BEYOND! Task 5: I Am Who I Am
Typically in their early twenties, your child will leave behind their childish ways and assume adult status. This is due to all of the energy they have spent on social, psychological, mental, and physical development. Not only have they neared completion on vectors 1-4, (competencies, managing emotions, developing relationships, and achieving independence), they have gained world experience and knowledge, exited puberty, and engaged in much personal growth. And most of all, their brains have finally reached maturity!
The prefrontal cortex is the last part of the brain to mature. It reaches maturity somewhere between 19-25 years of age, typically sooner for females than males. This is the part of the brain that is most involved with executive functions such as rational thinking, decision-making, impulse inhibition, moral reasoning, predicting consequences, and focusing thoughts and behaviors toward goals. So, it makes sense that once this part of the brain is fully engaged, your child will feel more settled in who they are. This is Chickering’s fifth task of development- IDENTITY FORMATION.
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At this stage of the game, your young adult will probably have a much clearer sense of who they are including their likes and dislikes; sexual orientation; gender identity; political ideals; cultural expression; faith beliefs; lifestyle choices; social support networks; values; aptitude; and abilities. This builds their self-esteem and comfort level with how others perceive them. While this may change over a lifetime as they continue to slough off attributes that have been imposed on them and choose freely for themselves, their foundation is rather solid. You may notice they fight or “rebel” less to distinguish themselves from you as their parents (and former authorities), and are more able to accept differences of opinions and agree to disagree.
For many parents, this is a moment of pride. You see the outcome of all the years you invested in them, all the obstacles they have overcome, and all the achievements they have made. And while parents never stop worrying about their kids, there is some sense of relief that your offspring is going to be okay!
But if the young adult establishes an identity that is far different than you planned or expected, this stage may be less celebratory. Some parents have a difficult time coming to terms with the identity their child has settled into. Perhaps the child does not share the same faith, values, or goals in life. Maybe the child has struggled with gender identity or sexual orientation and their expressed identity is not what you anticipated. It could be that their style of living, self-expression, and/or personal boundaries do not mesh well with yours. While the young adult may finally feel they have found peace and contentment, you, as parents, may need additional time to adjust your thinking and redevelop the relationship. If this happens, seeking the help of a family therapist may be beneficial to honor and preserve the relationship with your child and find resolution.
The most natural step after defining one’s self, is seeking purpose.
