TO COLLEGE AND BEYOND! Task 4: Finding My People
Chickering’s fourth task of development is DEVELOPING MATURE INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS. This applies not just to your child’s relationship with you, but to your child’s relationship with others.
At this stage, your child’s interpersonal competence, management of emotions, and autonomy gives them the ability to pursue meaningful, mature relationships with others based on shared interests, mutual respect, and a desire to be connected to each other. Your child is more certain of who he or she is, and can appreciate and value others for their similarities and differences. While in the teen years, your child may have naturally rebelled against anything you said or did in an effort to declare themselves as different and separate, now they are able to appreciate diversity in personalities, worldviews, and opinions. They no longer simply operate in reaction to authority, but rather choose what they stand for and against and find meaningful ways to extend their agendas.
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At this point, they have found “their people.” They have established a social support system for themselves (however big or small) and have a clear sense of the kind of people with whom they want to pursue relationships. They may be considering life partners, committing to long-term relationships, or considering future family life. They have gone from “independent” to “interdependent,“ realizing the value of connectedness and meaningful relationships. Their relationships are likely to have more depth and intimacy, as they share their thoughts and feelings and invest in others’ needs and goals.
For most adults, it is the accomplishment of this task that builds resilience for life. Research has shown that people who establish intimate, lasting connections, like that of marriage, are better able to buffer life stressors and are more resilient against health problems and mental illness. Learning to develop and manage relationships adds meaning and satisfaction to life!
As a parent, it is important to accept that your child’s social circles are expanding and you will no longer be included in or even knowledgeable of all of them. This is normal and healthy. Welcoming your child’s new friends into your home for dinner or a holiday break is a great way to get to know them. However, your child may prefer to not mix their family and friends circles, and that is alright too! Follow your child’s lead on this and give them the space and privacy to choose, build, and maintain their own support system! It is highly likely that the more they feel your trust, respect, and equity in connection, the more they will choose to include you and share their life with you!
They have become their own person and need that acknowledgment from you. More on that in vector 5!
