TO COLLEGE & BEYOND! Task 3: On My Own
When our children become intellectually, manually, and interpersonally competent, and are able to recognize and manage their emotions, they naturally gain AUTONOMY and become INTERDEPENDENT. Chickering defines this third task as becoming emotionally independent, self-directed, and able to problem solve. They have a more established perspective on the world, defined values, confidence in their abilities, meaningful relationships, and control of their emotions. They are therefore more able to effectively problem solve on their own and act independently of parental authority. They can make their own decisions and assume sole responsibility for the results.
Yeah. . .this is another hard part. . .releasing the reins and equalizing the power on the playing field. Sure, you may still be paying for some of their tuition, keeping them on your family insurance policy, or allowing them to live at home and eat your food. But, now it is a choice-- a negotiation of power and resources between the two of you-- instead of an obligation or expectation. This is where communication and conflict resolution skills for adult living get tested! The two of you are now separate and can choose to be together.
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While in theory, “once a parent, always a parent,” your relationship with your child now becomes more adult-to-adult and less adult-to-child and a peer friendship begins to form. It may take ten or more years before that relationship becomes mutually beneficial and an equal give-and-take, but this developmental task lays the stage for each of you to relate to the other differently, with mutual respect. Your identities separate from that of “I am your parent” and “You are my child.” Instead you see each other as unique, independent individuals with separate goals, interests, and values that can mutually exist and you forge a new way of relating to each other.
They may no longer seek your advice or approval as frequently. They may not ask for help as often. They may actually tell you about an issue they encountered and solved all on their own. They are learning to rely on their own skills, knowledge, and resources to manage in the world! The exciting part is that you get to see this person you raised fully express their identity and grow in self-worth and advocacy. You hear their voice in a new way. You get to know what they stand for, value, and dream. You see them become productive members of society and effect change and growth. It might be small steps, little bits of progress, and slow movement, but it will happen!
You also may need to deal with your own sense of loss. Maybe the dreams you held for them aren’t their dreams. Maybe they didn’t make the decisions you wished they would have. Maybe they chose different values, faith, pursuits, or “people” than you hoped for. It happens,more often than not! And that is your task. . .to allow them to move from child to adult, and to get the chance to know them all over again!
Which leads to the next task. . .starting a new relationship!
