T0 COLLEGE & BEYOND! Task 2: Feeling Fine
The second vector Chickering lists that your young adult will encounter is the ABILITY TO MANAGE EMOTIONS. At this point, the majority of young adults are coming out of the throes of puberty. Their bodies are mostly done growing, their hormones have settled down and into a predictable pattern, and they have gained some control over their sexual impulses and drive. The roller coaster of emotions and difficulties regulating themselves are ready to be tamed. The key task here is to learn to identify, regulate, and express emotions in healthy ways that enhance relationships and increase productivity. This is also the task many adults never checked off the list, leaving a wake of broken relationships, lost jobs, addictions, and instability behind them.
For so many years, parents are often the ones who have managed their kids’ feelings for them. We cheer them up when they are feeling down. We squelch their anger when it starts getting out of control. We remove the objects causing their fears and give them courage to try something new. Nowadays, compared to 1969 when Chickering developed his theory, we are much more emotionally intelligent and kids are urged to “learn to regulate” from an early age. However, regulating in the safe space of familiarity with parents and other authorities drawing the boundaries is still very different than managing on their own! Therefore, it is important for parents to transition from moderators to coaches in order for their kids to accomplish this task.
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Young adults need the freedom to feel their feelings, maintain privacy about their feelings, and reap the consequences of unregulated feelings. You can coach them by:
Using reflective listening and questions to identify and label feelings (e.g., “You sound kind of down. Anything you want to share?” or “That sounds super frustrating! I get why you are stressed.”)
Hold the child responsible for their own expression of emotions (e.g., “When you start yelling at me because I said “no” to your request, it makes me back up and not want to help you. Is that your goal?”)
Modeling effective emotion regulation yourself
Repairing relationships that resulted from out of control emotions (e.g., “I let my feelings of loneliness get the best of me and lashed out at you with criticism for not calling. I am sorry. I should have let you know that I missed you and wished you called more often.”)
Sharing your own experiences and giving examples of good and bad emotion regulation and its consequences (e.g., “Yeah, I was really upset over a job one time and told my boss off. Then I had to beg for the job back and lost a good reference for all the hard work I did do. Looking back, I wish I would have just went in the bathroom and cooled off for a bit before talking to the boss.”)
Brainstorming options for alternate reactions versus giving advice and directives (e.g., “There are a bunch of different ways I have heard people use to help with anxiety. . .”)
Reminding them about resources if they are struggling with emotions (the college counseling center, the family physician’s phone number, crisis services hotline, other role models in their life, a trusted co-worker) and encouraging them to seek help themselves
An occasional note or text to affirm your care and love for them, encourage them, and normalize transient struggles and bad days
All that said, it is also important to note that this life stage is also a common time for other mental health issues to rise to the forefront. Mood disorders, anxiety, and psychoses may show up unexpectedly or after a period of stress and poor adjustment. If you sense that your child is struggling with emotions for weeks at a time; is acting completely out of character without a known stressor; is engaging in self-harming behaviors or may be suicidal; has diminished ability to cope; is isolating themselves; is having difficulty with daily functioning; is consistently facing conflict in relationships; or may be abusing substances, do not wait for them to work through this life task on their own. Instead, talk to them directly about it, seek professional help and resources, and move from coach to manager if they cannot make positive decisions for themselves. Variable moods and an extended range of emotions are usually normal for short periods of time. Prolonged or extreme shifts of emotion should be addressed more directly, with appropriate intervention if needed.
When young adults increase their competencies and manage their emotions well, they naturally progress to the next vectors.
