Surviving the holidays with a less than “picture-perfect” family
Those Hallmark movies are fantasies of the picture-perfect holidays we all desire. But the reality is, for most people, the holidays end up somewhere between “It’s a Wonderful Life” and “Christmas Vacation”-- filled with surprises, realizations, disappointments, and some much-anticipated family drama!
Families are messy. Family members are flawed. Family get-togethers are imperfect.
It seems that new holiday outfits these days come complete with masks that don a fake smile and hide all of the unresolved feelings that, if shown, would dampen the expectation of family togetherness and joy. Is it better to put squabbles aside and focus on the blessings of the day when everyone gets together to celebrate? Sure. Is it easy? Nope!
The truth is everyone that comes through the door for the holiday celebration brings with them a sack full of stressors that are weighing them down.
Around the holiday dinner table sits:
a new health diagnosis;
anxiety being controlled with a rescue medication;
marital conflict;
a grief that overwhelms the soul;
a hidden secret of past trauma;
childhood wounds;
a mom who feels invisible;
a constant search for approval;
fear;
mental illness;
a sense of doom;
a broken heart;
the silent treatment;
an angry outburst being suppressed and contained;
a dad who feels like a failure;
a secret addiction;
a worry about what is happening in the world;
a family on the verge of a financial crisis;
a child who has gotten lost along the way.
When you bring imperfect people together, who are tense, angry, sad, hurting, or confused, whether they put on the newly-purchased mask and pretend everything is okay or leave the mask at home and show their true feelings, it’s gonna be less than perfect.
So, here are some tips for getting through holiday celebrations. . .
Set your expectations a bit lower. It doesn’t have to turn out picture-perfect. Comfortable and casual can be good enough.
Remember that every person has a story and most wear their holiday mask to keep it wrapped and hidden. So exercise compassion when someone makes it awkward or tensions flare. 90% of a person’s words and behavior reflect on their own struggles, and are not about you.
It is okay to pre-set some boundaries, especially if you are the host! Get-togethers can have an established end time. Guest lists can be altered. Traditions can be renegotiated. You aren’t expected to feel unsafe or uncomfortable in your own home.
Before you impulsively react to someone else’s words or behavior: stop, notice, and think. Take a moment to breathe and slow down your impulses. Observe what is happening, as if from a fly on the wall. Think about what the person’s intentions might be, what their words or actions might mean, what direction you want the interaction to take, what outcome you desire in the moment, and what your options are. Then, mindfully, choose your reaction and be ready to accept unanticipated consequences.
Most conflicts, issues, or concerns are better dealt with at less highly-emotional events. Choosing to withhold your words or reactions now does not mean you can’t express them later. Keep to safe topics as much as possible.
Good-natured humor, not targeted at a particular person, can go a long way at easing tension. Share a funny story about yourself. Learn some new jokes. Talk about a funny scene from a show or movie. Laughter feeds the soul just as much as the meal!
Focus on positive memories together, but be conscientious. Others may have a different perspective on what you recall as a good time. Read the room.
The tryptophan from the turkey that puts some people to sleep right after dinner, and gets them out of helping with clean up, may be a blessing in disguise! Sometimes watching the football game and focusing on a screen rather than each other is a great tension-diffuser.
A ritual of expressing gratitude around the table or a prayer focused on blessings received may set a welcome tone to the meal.
Kids get overwhelmed and overstimulated by all of the congestion, socialization, and activities too! Attempt to end the festivities on a high note, before they reach meltdown.
The holidays are what you make them to be. Choose to give to others willingly and compassionately and still practice self-care. Boundaries are a great addition to your wish list!
And remember, your “holiday” may not be the day that everyone gathers together and celebrates. It may be the day after, when you choose your company differently, don your comfy clothes, throw out the mask, and eat leftovers on the couch! That’s okay too! One day does not have to dictate or define your holiday celebration, your holiday spirit, or your holiday season. It is just a day. Let it be a day.
