12 Days of Intimacy for Couples
Improving your marital connection and enhancing your intimacy does not have to be an overwhelming task! The leading marital researcher in the world, John Gottman, has found that satisfying marriages last because of the small investments couple’s make in them daily!
Whether you are struggling to make your relationship last or just looking for a boost to your romance, small, positive connections, often, can make a huge difference in the direction you are headed.
If you missed the 12 Days of Christmas for Couples that started on December 6, 2021 on my Facebook and Instagram pages, it is not too late to start or catch up!
You can take this 12-day journey any time to improve your relationship and add the “magic” in to whatever season you are in!
On the FIRST DAY of CHRISTMAS FOR COUPLES my true love gave to me. . . a love note.
Write a simple love note to your partner and place it somewhere they will be sure to find it! It doesn’t have to be Shakeperian or Hallmark-inspired (though a sprinkle of sentimentality or creativity won’t hurt!). Start with just two or three sentences to let them know that you are thinking of them in a positive way and that you love them! People want to be seen and known. A love note makes that happen!
On the SECOND DAY of CHRISTMAS FOR COUPLES my true love gave to me. . . 2 memories.
Think of two memories that the two of you share together. Reflect back on dates, your first kiss, your wedding day, the birth of your child, overcoming an obstacle, making a big decision, bonding together through a difficult circumstance, celebrating an accomplishment, exploring new places, watching a favorite movie or tv show together. Share those positive or bonding memories with your partner. You can write them down, talk about them at dinner, or text them photos that remind you of those occasions. Remembering the good times helps you to deepen your love story, strengthen your commitment, and think positively about your relationship!
And, write a love note.
On the THIRD DAY of CHRISTMAS FOR COUPLES my true love gave to me. . . 3 funny texts.
Send your partner 3 funny texts that will make them smile! Humor is an often under-estimated point of enjoyable connection. The act of smiling releases brain chemicals that enhance mood, reduce pain, and relax your body. The more someone makes you smile, the more positive you feel about that person, and the more desirable they become. So, send a meme, tell a joke, recall a funny story, share an embarrassing moment, or forward a funny video or post to your partner. It will increase their attraction to you!
And share two fond memories.
And write a love note!
On the FOURTH DAY of CHRISTMAS FOR COUPLES my true love gave to me. . . 4-play.
Engage in 4(fore)-play! Many people don’t express personal interest in their partner until right before the sexual interlude is about to take place. Foreplay should not just be reserved as a task before intercourse. Foreplay is the ongoing expression of interest and desire for your partner as a person. It includes seeing their needs and meeting them. Complimenting them. Serving them. Touching them with gentleness. Showing them kindness. Looking in their eyes. Listening. Holding their hand. Telling them what they mean to you. Caring for their whole body. Noticing their appearance. Hearing their heart. Appreciating their soul. Engaging in playfulness!
When men have sex, they feel connected. When women feel connected, they have sex.
Take the time to connect in many different ways and you will find your sex life more satisfying!
Be sure to send 3 funny texts.
Share 2 fond memories.
And leave them a love note.
On the FIFTH DAY of CHRISTMAS FOR COUPLES my true love gave to me. . . 5 statements of appreciation.
State 5 things you appreciate about your partner! The more you let your partner know that you are thankful for what they do, you appreciate their efforts and intentions, you admire and respect their character, you are attracted to them, and that they make a difference in your life, the less little issues will become big issues. The results are fewer conflicts and more willingness to communicate.
It’s all about the emotional bank account. Leading marriage researcher, John Gottman, found that the magic ratio is 5:1. Couples who maintain satisfying relationships have an average of 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction. The accumulation of positive interactions, through statements of appreciation and favorable connections, becomes an investment in the partner’s emotional bank account. Then, when something negative occurs, it is buffered by all of the positivity that has been accrued, and is less likely to take over or overwhelm the relationship. Gottman also has found that this simple action, of making 5 statements of appreciation, directly before registering a complaint or making a request for change of your partner, can determine the positive or negative outcome of the conversation. More positive outcomes equate to higher relationship satisfaction, more commitment, and less likelihood of divorce!
So, to increase the long-term stability of your relationship, make frequent deposits in your partner’s emotional bank account with statements of appreciation. At least 5 day!
And don’t forget the 4-play.
Send 3 funny texts.
Share 2 fond memories.
And leave a love note.
On the SIXTH DAY of CHRISTMAS FOR COUPLES my true love gave to me. . . a 6-second kiss.
Kiss your partner for 6 seconds in a row! A peck here and a peck there may be nice. But, it doesn’t have the same impact as six seconds of touching lips in a sensual and focused way. Research has shown that in these six seconds, your body calms (as cortisol reduces) and your brain releases “love juices” (like oxytocin) that make you feel more attracted to your partner. A simple, elongated kiss can make the difference between a hurried, frenzied, disconnected passing of two acquaintances and an intentional, meaningful, connected interlude between two lovers.
A six second kiss is a form of foreplay, a gesture of appreciation, a mood booster, a sign of admiration and fondness, a ritual of connection, a muscle relaxer, and a positivity enhancer! When you part ways, come back together, wake up, go to sleep, sit through commercials, or pass each other in the kitchen, stop for a six second kiss and see how much better you start feeling about your relationship!
And make 5 statements of appreciation for your partner.
Don’t forget the 4-play.
Send 3 funny texts.
Share 2 fond memories.
And leave a love note.
On the SEVENTH DAY of CHRISTMAS FOR COUPLES my true love gave to me. . . a 7-second hug.
Stop for a 7 second hug! Not a wimpy arms, pat on the back, kind of gesture. A firm and comforting embrace, that pulls your partner gently into your arms, presses them securely against your body, and holds them close for an elongated period of time. Before or after the 6 second kiss, or all on its own, a 7 second hug can turn your day around.
The act of touching and providing proprioceptive input (firm muscle pressure that helps the body become aware of its position and movement) calms the body and reduces external stimuli, helping you to focus and be more productive. It causes the brain and neural connections to grow, releases those happy hormones, builds desire for cooperation and connection, reduces blood pressure, soothes physical and emotional pain, enhances immunity, and motivates a person toward their goals.
Hugging is a natural remedy to life stressors and when it comes from your partner, it builds loyalty and healthy dependence on them as your “drug of choice.”
Follow it up with a 6 second kiss.
And make 5 statements of appreciation for your partner.
Don’t forget the 4-play.
Send 3 funny texts.
Share 2 fond memories.
And leave a love note.
On the EIGHTH DAY of CHRISTMAS FOR COUPLES my true love gave to me. . . 8 ounces of a favorite beverage.
Give your partner 8 ounces of refreshment, Feeding your partner physically, feeds them mentally and emotionally. The simple gesture of bringing your partner a beverage tells them that you care about their health and want to nourish them. It shows you see their need, you know what they like to drink, and you took the time to provide it for them.
You can make this as effortful or effortless as you want. Bringing home a hot beverage from their favorite coffee shop, stopping for a bottle of their favorite wine, or picking up a jug of cider for Christmas wassail by the tree may be a nice surprise. More simply, pouring their morning coffee and bringing it up to the bedroom, filling their water bottle for the day ahead as they rush out for work, or pouring their beverage and having it waiting at the dinner table when they sit down is perfectly fine as well!
A sip of attention and care warms a person’s heart and feeds their soul!
Be sure to stop for a 7 second hug.
Follow it up with a 6 second kiss.
And make 5 statements of appreciation for your partner.
Don’t forget the 4-play.
Send 3 funny texts.
Share 2 fond memories.
And leave a love note.
On the NINTH DAY of CHRISTMAS FOR COUPLES my true love gave to me. . . 9 songs on a playlist.
Start a playlist for your partner and add 9 songs that remind you of them or your relationship. Music has a way of setting a mood, triggering a memory, and bridging connection among people who like the same sounds.
What are some songs that have meaning to you and your partner? Songs you have danced to or sung to each other. Songs from musicals or movies you both love. Songs you heard during meaningful moments in life. Songs from church, concerts, their favorite bands, their childhood, your children’s childhoods, favorite places, favorite eras. . . Taking the time to know them and what they like and putting it all together on a playlist nurtures intimacy between the two of you. And even better, that intimacy is multiplied every time they listen to the playlist!
So, hop on your favorite music app and start sending those love songs!
And bring them an 8oz. beverage while they listen.
Stop for a 7 second hug.
Follow it up with a 6 second kiss.
And make 5 statements of appreciation for your partner.
Don’t forget the 4-play.
Send 3 funny texts.
Share 2 fond memories.
And leave a love note.
On the TENTH DAY of CHRISTMAS FOR COUPLES my true love gave to me. . . A 10-minute massage.
Day 10: Give your partner a 10 minute massage. As you have already come to realize, touch makes a huge difference in a romantic relationship! Of all relationships, the touch you share with your partner should be the most enduring, frequent, and intimate.
Take time out to engage in non-sexual touch with your partner that releases tension and makes them feel good. Let them choose the area they want you to focus on. . .head, hands, feet, shoulders, back, face. . . Use some skin lotion or massage oil for extra soothing! Then, trade places! This is not intended to lead toward sexual interaction. Rather, it is meant to increase blood flow, relax muscles, and make their skin feel good through the efforts of your hands! You become the source of their calmness and relief.
Make sure to add 9 more songs to the playlist and listen to it while you massage them.
And bring them an 8-ounce beverage to drink after the massage.
End with a 7 second hug.
Follow it up with a 6 second kiss.
And make 5 statements of appreciation for your partner.
Don’t forget the 4-play.
Send 3 funny texts.
Share 2 fond memories.
And leave a love note.
On the ELEVENTH DAY of CHRISTMAS FOR COUPLES my true love gave to me. . . an 11th hour surprise!
Give your partner an 11th hour surprise! When you do something at the 11th hour, you wait until a least-anticipated moment to show up with something that makes a big difference! The fact that the gesture is very unexpected, yet very meaningful, makes it a true surprise and treasured gift!
When considering this gift, stop to think about your partner’s “love language.”
Do they value acts of service? Then consider surprising them by doing a task for them, completing a project for them, taking over their house chores or childcare duties for the day, cleaning their car, washing their laundry, doing the grocery shopping, or running errands.
Do they value time spent with you? Surprise them with a day of hookie from work, a night away, a date night, a long walk at their favorite park, a ride to see Christmas lights, or dinner and a movie at home.
Do they enjoy receiving presents? How about giving them an early Christmas present? Maybe they would like a gift card to their favorite store, a day at the salon, tickets to a sports event, a new piece of jewelry or clothing, their favorite candy or snack, or flowers. Pay attention to what gifts bring them the most joy!
Whatever you decide, choose something you know they would value and that demonstrates how well you know them and how much you love them! And surprise them today when they least expect it!
Make time to fit in a 10 minute massage
And add 9 more songs to the playlist.
Bring them an 8-ounce beverage to drink.
Stop for a 7 second hug.
Follow it up with a 6 second kiss.
Make 5 statements of appreciation for your partner.
Don’t forget the 4-play.
Send 3 funny texts.
Share 2 fond memories.
And leave a love note.
On the TWELFTH DAY of CHRISTMAS FOR COUPLES my true love gave to me. . . 12 reasons to keep all of these changes going!
Write down 12 reasons you want to continue investing yourself in your partner and the relationship! When the magic of Christmas concludes and the season of giving winds down, it is all too easy to revert back to normal routines and the daily grind. Making a list of motivating factors to keep these rituals going will help to remind you of why it is all worth it, especially when times get tough or the blahs set back in.
Did these last 12 days make a difference? Did they change anything? Maybe you think about each other a little more often or a little more fondly? Perhaps you felt a bit less tense, a bit more relaxed, or slightly more calm. Was there more laughter, more smiles, and more pleasure in life these last 2 weeks? Did you enjoy being touched, and noticed, and cared for?
Hopefully you have come to realize how small things, often, really have a positive impact on your relationship! How about committing to that for more than 12 days? Think about what motivates you to keep making an investment in your relationship. Write it down. Share it with your partner. And keep the magic going all year through by:
Creating 11th hour surprises!
Exchanging 10 minute massages!
Adding 9 more songs to the playlist.
Nourishing your partner with their favorite 8 ounce beverage.
Stopping for a 7-second hug.
Giving a 6-second kiss.
Expressing gratitude with 5 statements of appreciation for your partner.
Engaging in 4-play.
Sending 3 funny texts.
Sharing 2 fond memories.
And leaving a love note every day.
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU AND YOUR’S!
TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS FOR COUPLES
