Parenting in the Age of Social Media
I am taking a huge risk in writing this blog post because I am sure some people will hate it. But, I believe in what I am about to say so much that any negative publicity associated with it is worth it.
The threats to school safety, violence, assaults, bullying, sexual promiscuity, alcohol and drug use, and suicidal tendencies that are plaguing our children need to be addressed and remedied!
When I was a teenager, I did some wacky things. I took some crazy risks. I pushed some boundaries too far. I made some regrettable decisions. I got hurt. I hurt others. And almost every time, I got caught.
As a kid, I had no idea how my parents always seemed to find out when I was doing something wrong, dangerous, or wacky. They would often know what I did before I even walked in the door 2 minutes past curfew. I could tell by the scowl on my mom’s face that she was aware of whatever rule I broke that time and I could expect to be grounded for the next few weeks. It was like she had eyes all over town watching me. You know what? She did!
I grew up in a time when parents watched out for everyone’s children, not just their own. When a fellow parent saw you doing something risky or wrong, they either stopped you themselves or let your parents know about it. They worked together as each other’s eyes and ears. They weren’t afraid of offending, or interfering, or overstepping, or backlash. They understood that kids were kids, they weren’t mini-adults, and they needed guidance, coaching, supervision, and discipline.
Now I am not saying that life in the 80’s was perfect (but the music, fashion, big hair, care bears, and Friday nights at the roller rink made it pretty close). I appreciate how we have developed and grown as a society over the years. We have come to see the traumas that occur from child abuse and neglect; lack of resources, racism; and poverty; and we are thankfully working to rescue kids and rehabilitate families (though it is never fast enough, and many kids still fall through the cracks).
But, somewhere along the way, we have gone too far when it comes to treating our children like fragile, infallible, responsible, independent thinkers and do-ers who have the same rights as adults. They are called “dependents” for a reason– they depend on adults to show them the way and protect them from their own inadequacies and undeveloped judgments.
Parents have become afraid to parent. They don’t allow their kids to fail and learn from their failures. They save kids from the consequences of their own actions. They blame the school, the church, the government, the neighborhood, peers, the tv, and the internet. I agree that all of those things have a remarkable influence on our children and many of the problems in our society are systemic. However, there is no greater life guide, authority on living, moral compass, role model for behavior, teacher, coach, or disciplinarian than an invested parent grounded in their values and goals, who does not fear their children.
What happened?
It is my suspicion that too many parents struggle today with wanting to be liked by their children and become “best friends.” Many parents still haven’t fully grown up themselves, and find themselves enjoying living out adolescence-missed in the lives of their teens. Some are so afraid of failing, are unsure of what they are doing, or fear irreparably harming their children, that they become too passive and permissive. So many are busy competing to be the “best parent” that they lose sight of what their child needs and not just what their child wants. Others are so distracted or overwhelmed themselves, they aren’t aware of what is even going on in their children's lives. And still others want to provide every possible opportunity for their child that they set no boundaries and indulge the child’s entitlement to rule the world for their own benefit.
But the world is very resourceful. And when there is a gap, a bridge will be built.
Social media has stepped in to fill the need and is raising this generation of children.
I beseech parents to take back the power that was given to them when that life was placed in their arms to raise, and guide, and form into a responsible member of society.
Children have a right to food, water, clothing, shelter, health and medical care, love, safety, and education.
Daily Starbucks runs, premium flavored bottled water, choice of clothing, bedrooms filled with tvs and gaming systems, pedicures, software, access to technology, carte blanche information on the web, ownership of a smartphone, social media accounts. . .those are all gracious gifts and privileges, bestowed by parents to children. They are not inalienable rights or needs. It is the parents responsibility to assess their child’s readiness for such things, supervise their use, and set the rules and boundaries.
Too many times, I hear parents say that they do not want to invade their child’s privacy.
This is a child. Their brains aren’t even fully developed and functionally capable of making informed risk assessments or complex moral decisions until they are 18-25 years old. You aren’t violating their rights. You are nurturing their development and protecting them from their own limitations. They need your guidance and supervision.
Would you willingly hand your child over to a surgeon, still in med school, to operate without any supervision from a trained and experienced advisor? Would you even let a new employee at the garage, with no experience, work on your car without the guidance and oversight of a seasoned mechanic? Do you even get frustrated with the checkout person at the grocery store on their first day on the job who is going too slow because they have never used a scanner and cash register before?
Your child is a newbie. They truly do not fully know what they are doing. They are not completely capable of wise and mature decisions. They are learning as they grow. They need to be trained!
We need to help our children learn to become responsible adults through guidance, supervision, and appropriate discipline. I firmly believe that children should face the consequences of their actions. But, sometimes, parents need to step in before those actions even occur, to prevent their immature, impulsive decisions from devastating themselves or others. Your only defense is to stay informed on what your child is doing, on the screen and off!
We need to work with each other instead of against each other, as parents. Parents should not be encouraging their children to hide their guns or drugs so they “don’t get caught.” They should be intervening, speaking up, and getting help!
Adults must be the eyes and ears that monitor all children and act to protect all children.
I get it. . .different families have different values and beliefs and you don’t want someone else telling your kid what to do. I am not advocating that you take over parenting someone else’s kid. But, I think we should all agree that violence, drugs, crime, sexual promiscuity, and suicide are not acceptable. In such circumstances, parents, schools, neighbors, and communities need to speak up and work together to protect children.
But it all starts at home! Parents must set limits according to their children’s development and maturity. They must “invade” their children’s privacy to be aware of what is going on in their children’s lives and what is influencing their thoughts and actions. They must teach their children lessons when they make mistakes and give them guidance for the future. Parents can’t be afraid to say “no,” “not yet,” or “never again.” Your child will benefit from self-control, self-respect, wisdom, and healthy discipline much more than any indulgence or entitlement they may be gifted.
Your job is to shape your child. Your voice, example, and instruction must be louder than their peers, the internet, or social media. Your discipline must teach and direct. Your limits and boundaries must protect and encourage self control.
