WHAT MAKES A HEALTHY MARRIAGE? A Guide for Couples
In a previous post on The Marriage Potential, I discussed how a healthy marriage enriches people’s physical, mental, emotional, and social lives and is the foundation for building healthier communities. In this post, I will shed light on the building blocks of a healthy marriage.
John Gottman, a world renowned psychologist and couples therapist, has studied what makes marriages succeed and fail for over 40 years. He created the “Love Lab” at the University of Washington, where he studied couples and tracked the course of their relationship for years. His work has evolved into a model for a satisfying, healthy marriage. His book, 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, is a NY Times bestseller. As a trained Gottman therapist, I believe in his model and use it as a basis to help couples create healthy marriages that last!
So, what is a “healthy” marriage?
A healthy marriage is a committed, monogamous relationship that endures through time, whereby both spouses experience mutual satisfaction and fulfillment.
According to Gottman’s Sound Relationship House, it is made up of:
a solid friendship
strong emotional connection
effective communication
a “we” win conflict-resolution style
established trust
enduring commitment
shared vision
HEALTHY MARRIAGES HAVE A SOLID FRIENDSHIP
The foundation of any marriage is a solid friendship. In order to be friends, you must know one another. Gottman refers to your understanding of your partner’s inner world as a “love map.” This map helps you to relate to your partner in favorable ways. It includes your partner’s likes and dislikes, past experiences, future hopes and dreams, fears, strengths and weaknesses, passions, wounds, etc. As marital partners, you should know each other more completely and transparently than anyone else.
But knowing your partner is not enough for a satisfying marriage. You must also LIKE your partner. This seems obvious, but it often trips up even the most enduring partners. You can know someone intimately and expansively and still not like them. Or, the person you adored when you first married can change over time into someone less pleasing. It is not unusual to hear people say they “fell out of love” with their spouse, when what they are really saying is they “fell out of like.” Love is an action. Like, on the other hand, is an attraction.
A satisfying friendship in marriage includes both like and love. When you like someone, you not only have a fondness toward them, but you grow to respect and admire them. When you love someone, you desire more than mutual attraction. You desire an intimate connection.
HEALTHY MARRIAGES HAVE A STRONG EMOTIONAL CONNECTION
When you know someone and like them, you want to connect to them. Gottman refers to any attempt to make a connection with someone as a “bid.” A bid can be a statement, a comment, a gesture, a question, or a point of contact in which one partner says or does something to alert the other’s attention. If the partner responds by turning their attention toward their partner and responding favorably, that is a “turning toward” bid. If the partner ignores or disregards the bid, that is called “turning away.” If the partner responds to the bid by challenging, criticizing, or attacking, that is categorized as “turning against” their partner.
“Turning towards” bids build emotional connection. In fact, Gottman found that the best marital relationships have a ratio of 5:1 positive to negative interactions. Every turn toward your partner says, “I see you. I care about your needs. I want to connect with you.” These connections get stored in an emotional bank account that invests in a person’s self-worth and feelings of being love, respected, and valued. These bids help to build trust and commitment.
When partners feel known, liked, respected, and connected to each other, they are more likely to see the relationship through a positive lens. The more partners turn toward each other, the more they build up a buffer against conflict, and the less likely they are to let little issues become big issues. This helps deter criticism and self-protective behaviors that push each other away.
This pattern also translates to sexual intimacy. When a person feels known, liked, and valued by their partner, their attraction to their partner is reinforced and their sexual desire is likely to increase. The couple’s emotional connection and sexual connection fuel one another. For men, sexual interaction fuels their experience of being emotionally connected. For women, emotional connection fuels their desire for sexual interaction. In both cases, the more emotionally and physically connected the couple feels, the more motivated they are to resolve conflicts in ways that honor both their needs. They approach life as a “we.”
HEALTHY MARRIAGES USE EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION
Being able to communicate honestly and openly, and feel heard and understood, is a key ingredient to a healthy marriage. In fact, in Gottman’s research, he identified four communication patterns that are most responsible for breaking down relationships. He called them the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” They include:
Defensiveness- not taking responsibility for your own contribution to problems
Criticism- attacking your partner’s character, instead of their actions
Contempt- de-valuing your partner with disrespect, intimidation,or ridicule (this is the #1 predictor of divorce)
Stonewalling- refusing to communicate and withdrawing from interactions
Healthy couples communicate by focusing on the issue or situation, discussing their feelings about it, and making requests to get their needs met. They refrain from demands, attacks, or defensiveness. They listen with curiosity, in a desire to understand and know their partner. They seek clarification and offer validation. They are gentle when discussing issues and seeking changes, knowing that their partner desires to maintain a good emotional connection. They take responsibility for their own issues and the mitigating factors they bring to the table. They maintain control over their emotional reactions and how they express themselves.
Couples who master the art of effective communication have the foundation they need to approach conflict with a “we” perspective instead of a “me vs you” strategy.
HEALTHY MARRIAGES PRACTICE “WE-WIN” CONFLICT STRATEGIES
Interestingly, Gottman did not find that healthy, lasting marriages do not have as much conflict as marriages that end. Rather, he found that successful couples are able to manage their conflicts in ways that do not create destruction in their relationship.
Every couple has conflict. When both partners feel known, liked, respected, connected, and able to communicate their feelings and needs, their motivation to solve issues in ways that honor both people’s interests increases. Some problems are solvable through a deeper understanding of the underlying issues and needs in life. Other problems require compromise and accepting influence and persuasion from one another.
Still other conflicts occur again and again and create gridlock for the couple. In these instances, healthy couples are able to communicate about the problem without becoming emotionally entangled and resorting to attacking each other instead of the issue. Healthy couples are able to accept their differences and what cannot be changed without letting the perpetual issue overwhelm the entire relationship. They grow to become more tolerant of their differences.
In those circumstances when a healthy couple does not use effective strategies that help the relationship to win, they are able to reset. In the middle of the issue, they are able to recognize the destructive pattern and redirect themselves. Gottman refers to this as a repair attempt. Or, if they stalemate, they are eventually able to step back, consider what went wrong, each take responsibility for their own role in the failure, and repair their connection. They learn from the process in the aftermath of the conflict and plan to use a different approach in the future.
As the conflict resolves (or dissolves), the couple has endured a trial together and remained connected in the end. The relationship wins. Their “we-ness” strengthens. Their respect and admiration for each other grows.
While friendship, emotional connection, effective communication, and “we-win” conflict skills establish a firm foundation for a healthy marriage, the combination of these attributes is dependent on two pillars that create a boundary around the couple’s union– trust and commitment.
HEALTHY MARRIAGES HAVE ESTABLISHED TRUST
Trust is the sense that someone is reliable, dependable, honest, loyal, and transparent and “has your back.” Trust is a calculated risk you take, believing that your partner has your best interests in mind when they make decisions and engage in behaviors that affect both you and their own ability to function in healthy ways in the relationship. Without trust, it is impossible to establish respect, emotionally connect, and problem solve effectively with your partner.
HEALTHY MARRIAGES HAVE ENDURING COMMITMENT
The second pillar that supports a healthy marriage is commitment. This goes hand-in-hand with trust. Marital commitment is the promise to remain in the relationship even when difficulties arise; prioritize the relationship above all other relationships; and remain emotionally and sexually faithful to your partner. Once again, it is impossible to maintain a healthy marriage with someone who is seeking outside, intimate relationships with others or is unmotivated to prioritize the marriage and make it successful. If a partner is maintaining a “safety net” and keeping their options open or ready for if the marriage fails, their doubts and distractions will often overcome their motivation to make it work. Healthy couples stay for better or worse, with the hope that they both are willing to do what it takes to make it get better.
HEALTHY MARRIAGES HAVE A SHARED VISION
Sharing and supporting each other’s life dreams and creating a vision for the future together are the outcomes of a solid friendship, a strong emotional connection, effective communication, a “we” win conflict-resolution style, established trust, and enduring commitment. In a healthy marriage, each partner is given the freedom to pursue their own individual life goals, with support and encouragement. Together, the couple can create a vision and purpose for their relationship that leaves a legacy. Through this marriage, they can reproduce future generations of healthy relationships.
If you desire to build a healthy marriage or improve your relationships, call me today! I can help you to build the firm foundations of a healthy relationship that lasts for generations to come!
Gottman, John & Silver, Nan. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Publishers.
Gottman.com
Firmfoundationsmft.com
