Google Search Marriage Therapist Near Me: What You Need to Know About Finding a Couples Therapist
Just because a therapist advertises that they do marriage therapy does not necessarily make them effective at it. In fact, a variety of research has shown that anywhere from 30-50% of couples who go to couples therapy actually report a decline in their relationship satisfaction and over one-third end up divorced in the future. Wow– what a great advertisement for marriage therapy! (Don’t lose hope just yet. . .stick with me!)
The problem isn’t just the marriage. The problem is that too many unqualified therapists provide couples therapy as though they are just treating two individuals in the room simultaneously. These therapists quickly become overwhelmed by the power force of the dynamic duo and resort to sitting on a judgment throne rather than an observation deck. They choose sides, aligning with one partner over the other, and alienating one of the spouses from therapeutic support. They try to mediate the problem for the couple by proposing a truce, a middle ground, or a “let’s agree to disagree” stalemate. They assess each person’s individual potential to be happy in the relationship and deem the relationship as the cause of either person’s unhappiness. And worst of all, due to their own overwhelm and discomfort with the couple’s conflict, they recommend separation or divorce or declare the couple as “incompatible.” What hope does the couple have when even their marriage therapist gives up on their relationship?
Couples need to be educated consumers when they seek the help of a marriage therapist. Let me tell you what you need to know. . .
You Deserve a Couples Specialist
If you were having severe heart problems, would you prefer to be seen by a cardiologist or a general physician? If you broke your leg, would you want the urgent care doctor to set it or an orthopedic surgeon? All of these people are trained medical doctors. And in an emergency, you would take the services of any one of them to save your life. But if you had the choice, you would select the person with the most highly advanced training, with the most experience and skill, and who specializes in your specific issue with successful results.
In New York State, any therapist can say they do marriage counseling regardless of training, degree, or experience. In fact, research has shown that 80% of “therapists” out there are willing to take on couples. Many of them have learned to do marriage therapy by trial and error (hope you’re not their ‘error’). Some have taken at least one class in graduate school, read a few books, or attended a conference or online seminar. The large majority have never had their work supervised by a qualified, experienced, trained marriage therapist. Couples therapy has been deemed by experts as “the hardest form of therapy to do” and yet many non-specialized, inadequately trained, unsupervised therapists are willing to provide it. You should be a bit alarmed by that!
The best specialist is either a state licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who has at minimum a Masters degree and supervised experience specific to marriage therapy, or a licensed therapist who has gotten extended training, supervision, and certification in a specific marriage therapy approach.
Marriage Therapists Know the Research About Marriage
The best marriage therapist is on the side of your marriage, cultivating hope and perseverance to make the relationship work. Why? Because great marriage therapists know the research. In most (but not all) cases, divorce does not increase life satisfaction for either partner. In fact, it often decreases a person’s wellness, support, and resources. Couples who hold on and work it out generally get better over the long run and are glad they didn’t give up. Their children have a greater likelihood of better life outcomes. Both partners tend to have better health outcomes and increased longevity. Married people are typically happier together than single or remarried individuals. The chance of relationship distress increases with each subsequent relationship. Thus, working it out the first time generally has the best odds of future stability and satisfaction.
Good marriage therapists believe in marriage and are the last people willing to give up on it!
Marriage Therapist Near Me
So before you start googling “marriage therapist near me,” be prepared to interview the person you are trusting with your most important relationship.
ASK: What background, training, and experience do you have providing couples therapy?
A qualified marriage therapist has specific training in marriage therapy, other than a course in graduate school. They should have some sort of advanced certification or extended supervised experience in a couples therapy model. The two most researched and evidenced-based models for couples therapy are Gottman Relationship Therapy and Emotion-Focused Couples Therapy. Other models such as Integrative Couples Therapy, Collaborative Couples Therapy, Imago Relationship Therapy, and Relational Life Therapy may be equally valuable and effective for you. They just do not provide as detailed research to show they actually work in helping marriages survive in the long term. You can place more faith in a couples therapist who is not just familiar with these models, but trained in them, with supervised experience, and years of practice. Don’t ask them if they know of these models, ask them what methods they use to help couples and wait to see if they know their stuff! Don’t just ask if they think they can help you, ask them how they have helped other similar couples and what kind of outcomes their couples achieved. And you absolutely have a right to know how they were trained!
ASK: What kind of assessment do you include?
One thing that makes me cringe is when a couple tells me that they went for couples therapy in the past and the therapist spent the first session asking them about their problem and then proposing how to solve it. I just cannot fathom how one session provides enough information and background for a therapist to start effectively intervening in a couple’s relationship. Before I make any concrete recommendations to a couple, I conduct a thorough assessment to fully understand each person as an individual and the history of their relationship. I want to know how they ended up in this struggle before devising a plan to help them out of it.
One of the key skills I teach couples is that you cannot influence someone until you understand them. I practice what I preach. . .understand first, influence later.
A thorough assessment should include a detailed history and evaluation of each person’s basic medical issues, family background, prior relationships, mental health, previous therapies and treatments, emotional health, coping mechanisms, career, stressors, motivations and goals, and support system. It should also include a detailed history of the couple’s relationship from the beginning to present time including areas of conflict, incidents of betrayal or broken trust, sexual health, communication and conflict patterns, expectations of marriage/partnership, parenting style, family dynamics, and shared goals.
The reality is that while this may initially appear as a time and money-consuming process to couples, the majority find the assessment process a very useful experience that immediately starts helping their relationship. Why? Because it forces them to:
Consider the big picture and how all of these factors may be contributing to their current struggles
Take responsibility for the “baggage” they each brought to the relationship
Reflect on where they have been and where they are headed
Remember why they chose each other in the first place
Reminisce about the good times and rekindle their motivation to make it work
Re-establish understanding and empathy for one another
While assessment is not a direct intervention, it is an indirect intervention that not only helps the therapist to decide the direction for therapy, but also allows the couple to reconstruct their roadmap. This can include verbal reports as well as written questionnaires, testing, and online instruments.
My own assessment includes a written couples questionnaire; individual biopsychosocial questionnaires; an optional online comprehensive relationship assessment; an elongated first session to gather the couple’s relationship history; two individual sessions to gather each person’s individual history; and a fourth feedback session to construct the roadmap and define our direction together. My clients come away feeling well known and understood by me, which helps them to trust my interventions and motivates them to put forth effort in order to get their desired results.
ASK: Do most of the couples you work with remain together and improve their relationship by the end of therapy?
If your goal is to preserve your relationship, this is a very important question. While most therapists do not have data on whether the couples they see stay together for the long run, they should have some sense of what percentage are contemplating separation or divorce after investing in a substantial course of couples therapy. If I wanted to save my marriage, anything less than 80% would make me consider my risk vs. benefit ratio.
That said, it is important to consider that some couples have already made the decision to separate and come to couples therapy as a last resort. At least half of those couples will not put in the effort needed to turn their relationship around. Other couples with domestic violence, complex infidelity, or other traumas may decide it is safer to be apart. The outcome of marriage therapy is a shared responsibility between the therapist and the couple.
Just because one or both partners are on the fence does not mean couples therapy cannot be helpful. A special kind of couples therapy, called Discernment Counseling (by Bill Doherty), is designed specifically to help couples decide if they want to end their relationship or focus on working to improve their relationship for a set period before making the decision to stay together or divorce. Sometimes the goal of couples therapy is not to save the relationship but to determine if each partner wants to do the work to save the relationship.
And, it is important to know whether those that stay together actually have improved their relationship. I am not just talking about learning about each other, gaining insight and understanding, and communicating better. Those are bare minimum markers for effective couples therapy. I am talking about if the couple is more unified and satisfied, has increased their trust and commitment with one another, is invested in a shared vision of continuing to grow in intimacy together, has a strong foundation of friendship, and is able to manage conflicts in ways that strengthen rather than destruct their bond. Those markers are more reflective of long term gains that will support their relationship for the long haul.
Wait. . .You keep saying marriage therapy and couples therapy. Is there a difference?
The answer to this question is “sort of.” Marriage therapy encompasses couples therapy, but couples therapy does not fully encompass marriage therapy. Both forms of therapy focus on the relationship between two partners and both therapies use many of the same theories and interventions. The main difference is that because marriage is recognized as a legal union and would require a legal process to dissolve, the dynamics around commitment and trust are often treated differently. Some have made arguments that marriage therapy deals with the here and now, while couples therapy goes into people’s pasts. That may be true for a particular therapist’s theory and approach, but that is not a delineating standard for all models of marriage or couples therapy.
One difference to be cognizant of is “marriage and family therapist” versus “marriage counselor.” This is because of the credentialing of the person offering the service. “Marriage and Family Therapist” is a protected, licensed professional title in New York State, reserved only for those who have acquired the standard training and experience. Anyone can say they are a “marriage counselor” including pastors, lay ministers, social workers, or even your well-intentioned neighbor! However, any licensed therapist can (somewhat unethically) advertise that they provide couples or marriage therapy regardless of specialized training or credentialing.
ASK: Do you receive supervision or consultation from other couples’ therapists?
Remember I said that couples therapy is one of the most challenging therapies to do? Well, it’s because of a simple mathematical principle. . .two are greater than one. A marriage of two people has more history, momentum, and power than one outsider looking in. Therefore, it is very easy for the couple’s dynamics to take over a therapy session. And simply paying a couples therapist to repeatedly listen to you argue, take sides, or suggest compromises is a waste of your time and money.
An effective couples therapist must maintain control of the session and offer adequate structure to help the couple transform their dynamics and change the way they relate. This takes a lot of observation, assessment, self-control, confidence, assertiveness, and experience. It is very easy for a therapist to get sucked into a couple’s problems and become convinced that the pair is stuck and hopeless. Couples therapists have to learn to balance each partner’s needs and perspective, while maintaining a level of objectivity and self-awareness outside of the system. Therefore, it is important that couples’ therapists have a support network for themselves to review cases when they start to feel immobilized. By keeping themselves outside of the couple’s turbulence, they can truly be helpful.
ASK: What if you find out my spouse is keeping a secret from me?
Like I said before, a good marriage therapist remains on the side of the marriage. This means that he/she will not align with one spouse against the other. This is best mitigated through a “No Secrets Policy.”
In my own practice, I let couples know, both verbally and with a written agreement, that all contact and information that is shared with me is presumed to be available and known by all three of us. This means that should one partner share information that they have kept from their partner, they must clearly inform me that they are sharing confidential information. I let them know, at the outset, that such withholding of information is generally detrimental to the trust in their relationship and compromises the effectiveness of couples therapy. Should I become a secret-holder, I then become aligned with one partner, and my neutrality and therapeutic trust with the couple as a unit is compromised. In these cases, one of two things happens. Either I help the partner to share the secret with the other partner in order to re-establish trust OR I refer the couple and/or individual out to a new provider. Couples who know that I will not keep secrets feel better able to trust that I will not take sides and will remain as a neutral supporter of their relationship.
Further, I explain to couples that they both own the therapy record. Therefore, I will not release any of the content unless both partners sign off on the release. While I inform couples of the legal limits of my ability to maintain full confidentiality, I want couples to know that the most effective therapy room is a safe space where they should not worry that their partner will use what they say against them should the relationship dissolve.
ASK: What formats do you offer for couples therapy?
Typically individual therapy occurs weekly or biweekly for 45-50 minutes. However, couples therapy requires a bit more flexibility. Generally, with two people in the session, appointments need to be a bit longer and may last from 60-90 minutes. Sometimes due to difficulty coordinating schedules and child care, couples prefer marathon sessions of 3-6 hours on days off or evenings, or weekend intensives or retreats. Couples therapists often allow for more atypical scheduling of sessions to meet their clients’ needs.
ASK: Will you always see us together?
In the large majority of cases, couples therapy should remain couples therapy, meaning it should not become a therapist seeing two partners for concurrent individual therapy. That said, a marriage therapist treats the whole couple system, which includes both individuals and their relationship. Thus, it may come to be that one of the partners brings up issues that are directly related to experiences from their own life that occurred before the current relationship even began or that do not directly involve their partner (even though they may indirectly affect the partner and relationship, such as career stressors or mental health diagnoses).
In such cases, the goals may be two-fold– 1. To help the individual with their individual symptoms, unresolved issues, and coping mechanisms; and 2. To help the couple understand how such issues affect the relationship and how to manage them within the relationship. In these instances, most systemic couples therapists will work with the individual in the presence of their partner to elicit understanding, empathy, and support. If the individual would prefer to work alone with the therapist because of vulnerability or practicality, and all parties are comfortable with that arrangement, the individual sessions are interspersed or held in conjunction with couples sessions, whereby the other partner is always updated on the contents and outcomes of the individual sessions and given time to reflect and react. Again, the expectation is that there will be no secrets left unspoken in the end.
ASK: How do I pay for this?
There is no getting around the issue - marriage therapy can be costly. Unfortunately, insurance companies have yet to realize that healthy relationships actually correlate with many other health factors and that treating couples could reduce other healthcare needs. Thus, the large majority of insurance companies do not provide benefits for marriage or couples therapy and only cover conjoint sessions if one person carries a mental health diagnosis and has an established treatment plan focused on that.
Be aware, there are many therapists out there who will circumvent these “rules” and diagnose one partner and bill the therapy as “Couple/Family Therapy with Patient Present.” Creative, right? But not without ramifications.
First of all, if a therapist is truly treating the relationship and not sitting on a judgment seat, then how is it decided which partner is “the problem”-- the one who will carry a mental health diagnosis in order to get reimbursement?
Second, for ethical insurance coverage, the therapist also needs to write a treatment plan specifically to address that partner’s disorder and symptoms. This means that the benefits of therapy are skewed to one person’s needs. And if they simply use such processes to “work within a broken system” that is actually insurance fraud.
And finally, what happens if the relationship does dissolve and divorce ensues? One partner now has a mental health diagnosis to defend against, and while we would all like to believe that the stigma has lessened and it won’t affect a court case, the reality is that it will likely be called into question. That diagnosis could also affect life insurance eligibility, custody issues, job evaluations, and future use of insurance benefits.
So, you would be very wise to think twice about whether you want to see a therapist who is willing to circumvent the broken system, compromise on ethics, and put you at potential risk.
In NYS, marriage therapy is estimated to cost anywhere from $100-$400 per session, without a sliding fee scale. It is an investment! The cost varies depending on where you live, the extent of expertise and training of the therapist, the years of experience the therapist has, and the format you choose for sessions. As with most things, you get what you pay for and the best therapists should be worth it! You may need to use a vacation budget, a thrift account, or home improvement savings to cover your relationship improvement endeavors. But remember, you are investing in the future of your relationship, which will hopefully outlast the time you spend on your vacation, doing your hobbies, or living in your house. And divorce will cost you way more financially, emotionally, and psychologically than marriage therapy!
ASK: Do you provide marriage therapy in my state?
Do I have to see a marriage therapist near me? If you are open to virtual sessions, the answer to this one is “no.” You can see any therapist who is licensed in your state of residence. Therefore, you have a wide range of choices and opportunities to find someone who fits your needs and meets your qualifications. In New York State, while the therapist does not need to be physically present in the state to provide therapy, you do. Therefore, if you plan to travel or reside in two different states, be aware that you need to physically be in the state your therapist is licensed in when you participate in your sessions. Alternatively, you may be able to find a therapist who is licensed in multiple states.
Don’t Give Up Too Soon!
You owe your marriage to give it a try!
Not every qualified marriage or couples therapist is a good fit for every couple. I tell everyone who seeks therapy to give it 3-5 sessions to see if they feel comfortable with the therapist and have faith that he/she will be helpful. If not, talk to the therapist directly about your concerns. It is therapy after all, a place where you should be able to to be honest without fear of judgment! A good therapist will either address your concerns or make an effort to find another provider that may be a better fit!
If you think I would be a good fit for your marriage therapy needs or want help finding a couples therapist, please reach out! I provide marriage and couples therapy to residents of New York State.
716.216.2165
drdeacon@firmfoundationsmft.com
Firmfoundationsmft.com
