Why Trust Matters

One of the deepest and most profound emotional wounds a person can suffer is broken trust.  Whether it is abuse by a loved one, infidelity, unkept promises, lack of transparency, hidden addictions, blatant lies, or downright deceit, broken trust shakes the core of our security and safety in our relationships and personal world.  

Most relationship struggles, at their core, stem from a lack of trust. Trust is the feeling of emotional safety in a committed relationship.  It is a calculated risk based on your perception of someone’s reliability, vulnerability, authenticity, credibility, and loyalty.  In extending trust, you ask:  Will  you really love and accept me as I am?  Will you have my best interests in mind?  Will you say what you mean and do what you say?  Will you protect me and keep me safe?  Will you make an effort to meet my needs?  Will you stay with me even when it is difficult?  Will  you have my back?  The answers to all of these questions contribute to a person’s evaluation of trustworthiness.  

For some, doubt in people’s honesty or true intentions started as an infant or child, with a parent that was not reliable to provide good and consistent care.  For others, a significant event such as abuse, crime, abandonment, rejection, infidelity, or deception may have given rise to a need for self-protection and a defensive posture toward others.  Since connection to others adds substantial meaning to life, enduring issues with trust can have a significant influence on a person’s mental and emotional well being and satisfaction in relationships and life in general.    

Why Trust matters. . .

As human beings, we are constantly making choices and decisions based on our perception of reality.  Our reality is what we see, hear, and experience with our senses to be true.   When we have a reasonable amount of confidence about who we are, who others are, what to expect in a given situation or context, and a reasonable prediction of future cause and effect, we feel a sense of control and safety in our world.   

Part of that sense of safety includes the assumption and expectation that other people are not out to hurt us.  We want to believe that people are good and reliable and tell the truth.  Even as babies, we start with innocence and the assumption that reality is what it is and that our needs will be met.  From a young age, we behave without questioning the authenticity, transparency, or ulterior motives of others, until we are taught otherwise.  

When trust is broken, it is then that we not only start to doubt others, but we start to question our own perceptions and judgments as well.  No longer being sure that what we are experiencing is authentic or true, we face the reality that others can hurt us and our world is not as we expected it to be.  This is traumatizing.  Trauma is any experience that is too overwhelming for our brain and emotional system to process in the moment.  The experience is difficult for us to make sense of and often brings on anxiety and depression, as it shakes our perception of reality and safety in the world at the core.  It can damage our self-confidence, cause us to feel alone, and lead us to build walls for safety and self-protection in our relationships and lives.  We grieve our sense of reality and the relationship and security we thought we had.  We seek ways to recover from the trust that has been lost to stabilize once again.    

We all want life to be predictable and to feel some sense of control and preparation for what lies ahead.  Betrayal, lies, and broken trust leave us feeling out of control and fearful of others and the power they have to disappoint us. 

But, we can heal from broken trust.  Relationships can go on.  Repair is possible. Security and safety can be restored.  Hope can be regained.  

If you are struggling with trust in your relationship and long for a deeper emotional connection that breeds security and safety,  reach out for help!  Healing is possible.