Is Your Spouse Your BFF?
It’s an over-used sentiment these days. . .BFF. It seems to be the designation people give each other to let them know they are important, they rank higher than others in their life, they matter to them, and they want to be around them forever. All good things to tell someone if you really mean it. However the title loses its stature when it is flippantly given out to your favorite person of the week. The reality is that in life, there are typically few people who actually pursue, qualify, and retain the coveted title of Best Friend Forever. The top ranking member of that elite group should be your spouse.
Friendship is the foundation of any satisfying marital relationship. In John Gottman’s Sound Relationship House, he identifies four components to the friendship system:
Love Maps- how well you know each other’s inner worlds. It is hard to build a friendship with someone you do not know well. This goes beyond information. It includes thoughts and opinions, and even deeper, feelings and needs.
Fondness & Admiration- how much you like and respect each other. Few people are motivated to grow a satisfying friendship with someone they do not have a preference for or do not respect. We spend time and pursue people we are attracted to, have enjoyable experiences with, and who share our values and ideals.
Connection- how much you notice and pursue each other, and share your daily lives together. When we know, like, and respect someone, we are inclined to put forth effort into letting them know that through our gestures, words, actions, attention, and choices. The more we share of ourselves and the more our partner responds, the stronger our connection grows.
Positive Perspective- the overriding balance of positive thoughts and feelings about your relationship. Gottman states that satisfied couples have a ratio of 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction. They are more likely to focus on what is good about their relationship and not let negative interactions overwhelm their perspective.
Becoming your spouse’s BFF starts with investing in your friendship. When the friendship is strong, your spouse knows: they are important and matter to you; they rank high(est) on your list of favorite people to be around; and that you want to be with them forever.
If your spouse is not your BFF, there are some easy, well-researched ways to regain strength.
Contact Dr. Deacon at Firm Foundations Marriage & Family Therapy to get back on track to creating the satisfying marriage you desire!
