Finding The Right Therapist – Key 3: Consider the type of person with whom you would work best.
We all have certain types of people we relate to the easiest. We look for certain personality traits, character qualities, and styles of relating when we gravitate to friends, co-workers, and acquaintances. Based on our own personalities, families, life experiences, and belief systems, we get along and trust some people more than others. That’s just normal human behavior. . .we generally don’t “like” or relate well to everybody. Therefore, it is important to consider the type of person you feel most comfortable with if you are going to be opening up your life to them and trusting them to help and guide you!
Here are some qualities you might consider when seeking a psychotherapist. . .
Would you prefer to discuss this issue with a man or a woman? Is the perspective of the same or opposite gender most needed?
Do you want someone similar to your age that you can relate to? Or would the view and life experience of someone younger or older be beneficial?
Would you feel best understood by someone of the same race, faith, culture, marital status, background, or life circumstance?
Are you seeking someone who is more “warm and fuzzy”, a good listener, soft-spoken, and/or nurturing? Or are you looking for a more directive leader, instructor, straight-talker? Both styles of therapists can be equally effective, and both likely balance listening and advising, it just depends what style you prefer.
Are you seeking someone who is fresh and new in the field who knows the latest research and treatment approaches or someone who is more experienced and seasoned and relies on “tried and true” methods of treatment?
Do you want someone who lives and works in your community or someone from a different location whom you are likely to never cross paths with outside of therapy?
You probably won’t find someone who meets every item on your wish list. The key is to consider the most important qualities you are looking for in a psychotherapist and start narrowing down from there.
But, wait!!! Who you think may be a “good fit” isn't necessarily your “best fit”.
Now that I just instructed you to list your preferences, let me stop and contradict myself! Sometimes what you want isn’t what you need! Generally speaking, we fill our circles of influence and friend groups with people that have similar qualities that make us feel validated and worthy. But, those people likely have not been able to help you out of your stuckness or you would not be seeking additional, professional assistance. So, perhaps you might need to go out of your comfort zone and think outside of the box in order to get a new perspective, a fresh solution, a different approach. Maybe you want to consider someone of the opposite gender, or from a different background, or at a different life stage, or with personality traits that you desire (instead of reflect) in order to create the difference that makes the difference.
Therapists are trained to help people with problems. It is true that someone who has experienced a similar issue has some real life knowledge and understanding of the issue and may be more sensitive and sympathetic to your struggles. But, that doesn’t mean that their solution will work for you or that they are able to separate themselves personally from the issue to focus on you. It’s like what I always tell my clients about self-help books. . . those authors write about what works for them, in their life circumstances, given their personality traits, from their history, with the resources they have available, for the family they are in. Change is not a “one size fits all” endeavor and good therapists do not use cookie cutters to shape each client into the same end result. Your doctor does not need to have cancer to treat it. And a good therapist does not have to be like you to understand you and offer you options for change.
So who are you likely to work best with?
Someone who shares a “similar enough” life perspective and common values to understand you and make you feel safe, but that is “different enough” to challenge you to grow beyond your “stuckness” and offer a new perspective and solution that you have yet to consider.
The list of potential “best fit” therapists is complete. Next we need to think about practical matters. . .
